What Would Donald Do?: Independence Day

#WWDD?

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“Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world: and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind.

‘Mankind.’ That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests.

Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice:

We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!  We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”

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This rousing speech delivered by Bill Pullman’s POTUS Thomas. J Whitmore, the speech that promises to raise its voice once again in the upcoming Independence Day: Resurgence, the speech that transcends borders, race, religion, and creed and unites everyone in the common cause against extinction: is exactly the sort of speech that you’ll never hear from Donald Trump.

But it does pose an intriguing question. Just how well would Donald stand up to global disaster, extra-terrestrial invasion/annihilation, acts of terrorism, and/or kidnapping?  Does he have the balls to make the sort of judgement call that has the fate of humanity at stake? Just like Marco Rubio I’m bringing Donald’s manlihood into question once again.

If Donald Drumpf was to become the 45th President of the United States would it be as catastrophic as some of cinema’s offerings over the years?

I’m no expert on American politics but I know enough to make an educated guess that Donald would NOT make “America Great Again” despite his radical tan/hair combo.

Having said that, he deserves a shot just as much as the next guy so what better way to test his world leading credentials than to throw him in with cinema’s finest to test his resolve. A sort of Celebrity Deathmatch/Blind Date mash-up if you will.

His first test: Independence Day

A ginormous alien spacecraft hovers ominously over Washington. Reported sightings of similar craft are filtering in from across the globe. Jeff Goldblum is ‘speeding’ towards the White House with vital information that has the potential to save humanity.

INT: White House – Night
Donald is surrounded by his trusted aides who are busy giving him a full body massage, tiny hands included. The staff are in turmoil, paper is raining from the sky, one aide bumps around the Oval office from person to person in search of Donald’s top secret budgie and confidant, Señor Donald.

Goldblum has no difficulty waltzing into the White House and dropping the bomb that is Donald’s greatest dilemma to date, slap bang in the middle of his desk.

CU: Donald winces with horror. [He could handle making America great again, that was easy, but the World? That’s a whole ‘nother ball game that requires a finesse that lingers just beyond his grasp. But he’ll give it a shot and requests his three options be served on a bed of beetroot, because “it looks like the blood of tyrants,” he unnecessarily elaborates.

With the power to save the world, What Would Donald Do?

a) Parley a mutually beneficial truce whereby he is saved from righteous condemnation while humanity suffers, but is forced into slavery aboard the alien mothership until his dying day.

b) Issue a mass evacuation of the targeted cities.

c) Sue the alien invaders for parking in his ego’s spot.

Answer: none of the above
Failing to take on the opinions of others the White House staff, including Donald and Señor Donald, fail to leave the Oval office in time and issue an evacuation warning to city dwellers. It appears Donald doesn’t possess the patience (or graciousness) to listen to anyone but the tiny voices inside his head, especially when they’re too busy weaving fandangoed entrepreneurial opportunities such as Trump University. As a result, both the future of the human race and further education are damned for eternity.

It appears the fate of humanity barely registered the consideration of his thought process, nor his representation in the media. Tell it like it is you beautiful racist misogynist.

~ “You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” ~ (NOTE: It’s still unclear whether he was referring to his own ‘young, and beautiful, piece of ass.’ I think I prefer it this way.)

Next time on #WWDD? – A kidnapping at the hands of a treasure hunter.