How to Look Tentacool: The Pokémon Steak Guide

Pokémon Go is officially out, it has been for some time now. But before the world went crazy for Pokémon all over again I had this little idea, stewing in the back of my mind. How to up your steak ordering game on a hot date.

Next time you’re out and about, fancy a steak, but can’t get Pokémon off your mind use this handy guide to distinguish the Pidgey from Alakazam and ensure you end the night with a Slowpoke.

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Well done, medium rare, blue?

We’ve all been there. Family celebration at a fancy restaurant (TGI Friday’s doesn’t count), the menu half slides across the table until it hits a sticky patch and you have to peel it off like a scabby plaster (alright, so maybe TGI Friday’s does count).

You fancy the steak but when the waiter asks how you want it cooked you freeze. Your face goes red and you end up muffling “erm, normal please.” or something to that effect. If you’re lucky you’ll have a brother on hand to help after he sides you a glance that suggests ‘I’m here to help if you need me to because if I’m honest mate, you look like you ain’t got a clue.’

But if there’s no one on hand to help out, or it ends up being some cruel adulthood initiation that nobody ever told you about, never fear. All those years of playing Pokemon are finally about to pay off.

In the interest of clarity the following guidelines are based on Generation I, inclusive of Red, Green, Blue and Yellow Pokemon editions, the ‘ol Kanto Elite Four that left every 9 year old with a deep resentment for anyone named Gary.

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Blue rare – Mew
Like Mew, blue steak is a mythical being. No one in their right mind orders their steak blue: and no, I didn’t just choose Mew because it rhymes. I could have gone with one of the legendary birds but they have varying degrees of catchability and I don’t really want to start down that road (Zapdos caused me all sorts of grief).

The waiter will raise his eyebrows, heads will turn, beautiful ladies will gasp. But after riding a wave of attention all evening you’ll be exhausted and the novelty will wear off pretty soon, just like using your Mew when you never really felt like you earned it. Nothing quite matches the incongruous loyalty you have to your Pidgeot named Prometheus.

Rare – Jynx, Electabuzz, Porygon
The saving grace for ordering a rare steak is that it comes with some of the best Pokémon equivalents. Unfortunately, ordering your tenderloin Jynx might make you sound like a crazy person who reads way too much teen fiction. Ordering a cursed steak can come with a bit of baggage, sure. But if you’ve explored all the nooks and crannies of the Safari Zone, blindly felt your way through the unyielding Mt. Moon, and spent hours on the slots at the Rocket Game Corner trying to raise enough capital to afford that all elusive Porygon then the loks you’ll get for ordering a cursed steak fall by the wayside.

Medium rare – Alakazam
The thing with Alakazam is that he’s evolved from the common, yet frustratingly elusive, Abra. Yet he’s probably one of the greatest Pokemon to ever grace the franchise. But, unless you’ve got a transfer link and a willing friend (at the age of 24 these friends are hard to come by) there’s just no way to get your Kadabra to evolve into the bearded spoon bender. Regardless, “I’ll have the rib-eye Alakazam please” has a certain je ne sais quoi to it that will certainly turn heads, especially if you’re in Marco Pierre White’s in shorts and flip flops.

Medium – Snorlax
There are more common pokemon , sure. But if you’re ordering a Medium steak then you’re just lazy. The same way Snorlax just sleeps all day and the same way you’re GUARANTEED to run into him at least twice. Sure, he looks cuddly (not quite Totoro) but you wouldn’t cuddle your steak. Don’t be a Snorlax.

Medium well – Mankey
Says it all really. No one orders a Mankey sirloin. Also, the chef will hate you.

Well done – Pidgey
Fortunately, not many people have their steak cooked Well done so you won’t have to worry about ordering a Pidgey. But if you’re the sort of person that celebrates a Pidgey sighting for the twentieth time that hour you’re also likely to enjoy the leathery task of a well done steak. However, you’ll find you don’t get invited to many dinner parties because there’s nothing cool about a Pidgey.

Be the very best and order your rib-eye Alakazam: that’s how the real trainers do it.